Effective Co-Parenting

An interview with Dr. Kathleen Fahrner, clinical psychologist at Sutter Pacific Medical Foundation’s Child Development Center

Sam was a defiant eight-year-old who had tantrums. He often broke his toys and bullied other children. With the help of a therapist, Sam eventually learned how to better manage his frustration. But the counseling wasn’t for him—it was for his parents.

A CPMC therapist worked with Sam’s mother and father to develop effective co-parenting skills. That’s when they realized that they were putting him in the middle of their marital conflicts. They started to agree on their common goals for Sam and treat him more consistently. Within four months, Sam grew less aggressive with his schoolmates and more cooperative with his parents.

A Unified Front

“Co-parenting is taking responsibility for raising your kids together,” says Kathleen Farhner, Ph.D. “It’s a unified approach to child rearing.”

Easier said than done, since parents often have individual wants and opinions. “Parents come from separate families and model what they know themselves. Co-parenting is about communicating with each other, respecting each other’s skills, and resolving conflicts to decide what’s best for your children and unite in your authority.”

Because co-parenting provides kids with predictable limits and boundaries, it gives them a sense of well-being and security. Without it, children get mixed signals and can start feeling anxious or worried. They may even react by fighting at school or partaking in risky behavior.

Two Different Households

Co-parenting can be especially tricky when a couple is divorced, and they find themselves sharing custody when they don’t like each other much and have different ideas about how they want to raise their kids.

It’s a good idea for divorced parents to come up with a parenting contract that outlines rules and expectations, such as bedtime and allowed activities. “Things don’t have to be exactly alike at each household, as long as each parent respects that the other needs to be a part of the child’s life,” Fahrner explains. Mediation and therapy can also be beneficial.

A divorced couple may need to adopt a more businesslike attitude with each other. For instance, they might primarily email so they don’t have to talk on the phone. “They have to put aside their marital issues and see this as a coparenting venture that will help their children develop in a positive way.”

The Absent Parent

Most parents can attest that co-parenting can be difficult even when Mom and Dad are together.

Couples who don’t co-parent well often undermine each other and compete for their children’s attention. They may also argue in front of their kids. Not only does this make children feel at fault, it also models conflict, which they may act out later.

Sometimes one parent will usurp the decision-making and reject the other’s input.

Alternatively, Mom or Dad might refuse to be involved and leave the burden on the other person. The caretaking parent then gets burned out and stops being positively engaged at home. “As a result, kids miss out on the skills of both parents,” says Fahrner.

Division of Labor

Parents can greatly improve their co-parenting skills by communicating regularly. They should air and resolve their conflicting viewpoint, provide consistent, sensitive, coordinated messages, and keep each other appraised of their contacts with the child around major life issues.

When parents travel a lot, communication can be even more important. “If a father is holding down the fort, he can stress to his child that ‘Mom and I both feel that you should be doing this.’ Then there’s an implied message that the other co-parent is involved even when she’s not physically there.”

Parents who both work outside the home can take turns being the primary caregiver. “It’s a great co-parenting strategy. When one parent is having a hard time, the other steps in. There’s a division of labor,” says Fahrner.

“Co-parenting provides happier, healthier kids socially, emotionally, and psychologically,” says Fahrner. “If they feel secure, they have a greater capacity to grow and learn.”